Tuesday, November 22, 2011

Twilihate.

So, I went to see the newest entry in the unintelligible Twilight series. Why? I'm not sure. Apparently I hate myself.



Bella (who still has only one facial expression) and Edward (the sparkly one) are getting married. Her parents are THRILLED with the idea.

Apparently, no parents in Stephanie Meyer's inane, messed up universe thinks it weird that an 18 year old girl is marrying a dead dude, and eventually turning into one. It's cool.

NOT COOL.


After finding out they're getting married, the wolf dude is pissed off about their love so he runs into the woods and stays there doing things for a while. No one cares.


At one point, Jacob and Edward argue with each other about how 'what happens on the honeymoon' might kill Bella. SHE IS STANDING RIGHT THE HELL THERE. Two overbearing stalkery dudes arguing about hypothetical futuresex? That my friends, is ROMANCE.


I've always wondered (no I haven't) where a vampire would go his honeymoon. Well, question: answered! Obviously somewhere where he can show off his true sparkle. Why not the sunniest place ever? RIO.

This is when things get messed up.


Bella ends up with bruises from her new hubby after their first night together because he's like, totally so strong? Edward apologizes for giving them to her, followed by HER apologizing for being so weak to incur them.

Yeah. I'll let you figure out what's wrong with that.


Edward then no longer apparently wants to touch her. So she has to chase after him like Pepe le Pew chasing after his cat, but less fun. Yep, a few days after getting married they're already bored of each other, now Stephanie Meyer and Kim Kardashian have something in common.


My theory is that Edward just realized some things about himself. It's cool, man. We all knew.



When Edward finally decides to touch her again, Bella gets insta-preggers. This is followed by Edward wondering 'how can this happen?!', freaking out and brooding more. Someone apparently had time to do everything during his life but learn where babies come from.


Then, a demon baby ends up eating Bella from the inside. This was the only character I could relate to, as I understood her motivations, and we both wanted the same thing.



Yes, while there's a seizure inducing scene where Edward performs a c-section with his fangs, my favourite part came right at the end when Jacob "imprints" (falls in love) with the baby.

A GROWN MAN, FALLS IN LOVE WITH A NEWBORN BABY. LEGITIMATE, I WILL MARRY YOU (hopefully when it's actually legal) LOVE.

EVERYONE IS OK WITH THIS.


I miss the days of real vampires. And actual characters like Buffy, who you know, DID things instead of just...sitting around waiting to be told what to do. Hopefully this doesn't influence what girls growing up today think of what dudes should be like.



Also, all I could think of for the entirety of the time that the wolf dudes were on screen was this:



I had a couple of thoughts while watching the film as well, much to the chagrin of the twitards sitting around me.

Screw Stephanie Meyer and this series. I'm done.

75 comments:

Stwo said...

This is great, Randeep!

Marie (of Nat&Marie) said...

Best review of the film to date. LOL So good! Thanks!!!

HilaryTwilary said...

I miss Buffy, too.

Sam Chou said...

love this!

Adam Temple said...

Hilarious. I feel like you just gave me an hour and fifty minutes of my life back, that may have been lost forever.

stephen said...

u shood name ur band "hypothetical futuresex"

Nate Villanueva said...

you gotta sometimes watch the bad ones to get a better understand story and film...good job sir.

brandon said...

Your drawings are looking mighty solid dude, well done

As for the subject matter, no comment

Aminder Dhaliwal said...

This is AMAZING.

hahahaha :D

Anonymous said...

Just to soothe your worries re: this:

"Hopefully this doesn't influence what girls growing up today think of what dudes should be like."

Remember that men routinely write female love interests who are empty-headed, supplicating, or otherwise complete and utter wish fulfillment fantasies into movies--and have been doing so for decades. I dare say that legacy has a greater chance of being harmful to women than a single fictional storyline. If you're not concerned about men getting unrealistic expectations about love from the movies and demanding too much from women, you should give women the same respect and assume that they, too, can tell the difference between fiction and reality. Cheers and everything, though.

Anonymous said...

I love you, Reviewer. I haven't been able to stand Twilight since it came out and still can't understand why anyone would.

Anonymous said...

This is genius. Totally made my day :)

Kirsten Whiteley said...

This is brilliant. I remeber last year a co-worker of mine was explaining this plot to me and I could not wrap my head around it either. ps. I'm your 100th follower yippie!

Michael Nus said...

I'd just like you to know that I showed this to my friend's girlfriend, who was about to head out to see the new Twilight. Your post has successfully dissuaded her from seeing the movie.

Well done.

Teresa said...

This is fantastic! I've been looking forward to this awful movie to come out so I could see everyone make fun of it in one way or another and see all the fabulous youtube parodies that would no doubt follow! This was rad!

lillian said...

LOVE! you make me want to watch twilight. thank you.

ad said...

Well done Randeep!
Taking one for the team!

Chris said...

very insightful, Katari!

Anonymous said...

It's still spelled Stephenie.

Anonymous said...

once again, another critical viewpoint of Twilight. The movies do not even cover an 1/8th of the emotional detail found in the literary series. You can question the movie like crazy, but you stupidly went without doing the research.

If you actually had read the novels, the movie would have made much more sense. If you were a teenage girl, you would understand their emotional adjustments to huge life changes.

You're kind of an asshole.

Anonymous said...

Hey, Anonymous - http://reasoningwithvampires.tumblr.com/

Yeah, it's so deep.

Mel said...

I was reading along in amused concordance until the second to last frame, at which point I stared confused for a minute until I saw it. Then I let out a really loud burst of laughter. In the middle of the library. Totally worth it.

caficionado said...

You broke Reddit Deep. Way to go. Now come back to Toronto so we can drink beers

Shaan said...

Looks like the Author is using an anonymous account.
BWAAAAAA

Anonymous said...

You may enjoy this.

http://www.reddit.com/r/funny/comments/mzm9d/up_vs_twilight/c354zbz

sketchbookjack said...

very funny, great writing :D

Anonymous said...

Dude that was totally hilarious :D

I ended up watching the movie though .. In a small town in Kerala .. there were about 20 misguided people there in the entire theater for 600 people .. When the movie ended only three teenage girls clapped ... Everyone else escaped with their lives ..

Anonymous said...

You are AWESOME.

Michella said...

Criticizing Twilight is both new and inventive. It's great to see someone on the internet has finally stepped up to the plate to tear apart these Oscar nominated films.

Anonymous said...

To the Anonymous that tried to defend SM by stating men write crappy female characters like all the time, I have this to say: When do women start expecting more from women authors? Never? Because men write bad characters it's acceptable? YAY! Let's just all celebrate how a woman writes a bunch of books that are turned into movies and then in the last one, she JUSTIFIES and even has the female lead APOLOGIZE for being abused. What sort of messed up stuff is that?

Poor Judy Blume. She has to sit in the same section of the book store.

PS - my word verification was "cootchip". That's the sort vaginally annoying crap that the twilight series is. A cootchip.

Gareth said...

Just a terrible terrible movie,

Varun Shivashankar said...

Thanks..I know who wrote twilight now!!

Anonymous said...

This is the same old re-hashed bullshit from everyone else on the Twilight Hate Train (tm). The praise showered on you by this herd of sheep is well deserved.

Anonymous said...

You clearly didn't understand the movie. You also got many parts of it wrong. This is what happens when people decide to hate on something before experiencing it. I read all of the books and loved them. The movies do kind of suck but at least I did my research first. By the way, Bella's parents have no idea that the Cullen's are vampires....just thought I'd let you know :)

Anonymous said...

Man, I wish I could be as condescending as you, but I reckon it would hurt to force my head that far up my own arse. Twilight might not be very good, but your blog is worse.

Tormented Angel8 said...

Twilight ruined vampires for me and my girlfriend. Vampires don't sparkle wtf! How could this crap become so popular? Awesome comics by the way.

Liz said...

I haven't seen the movie(s) but this is amazing!

Kearston said...

I'm a Twilight fan, but this movie was absolutely horrific. I loved your review! Very funny.

kat said...

I agree with mostly everything you said. As someone who has read all the books and seen all the movies (God, I don't know why, either), I just have to say one thing. Bella's dad was not pleased she was getting married, which I think was clearly visible in the movie. I think at one point before she leaves for the honeymoon he even tries to convince her not to go. Also, they "humans" don't know he's a vampire. Only the werewolves and the vampires are aware of their supernatural-ness. And Bella, of course. So, it's not like her parents were happily giving her away to a 100-year old dead guy. They just thought he was a pale 18 year old, too.

But I 100% agree - Bella looked like the most miserable bride of all time. She didn't smile once!

hazMattSoot said...

It took me a moment to realize that they're a pack of never-nudes.

Anonymous said...

I think the first paragraph says it all... you really must hate yourself to see the third movie in a series you obviously despise!

Anonymous said...

I actually fell out of my chair laughing when i realized the 'nevernudes' picture. you, my good sir, are a genius

Anonymous said...

Have you ever seen male Korean pop stars? My theory is Korea finally secretly created a popular American movie.

Paula said...

Cool post, love the artwork and I must say I totally agree with your assessment!

www.superclementina.blogspot.com

xx

Anonymous said...

Reply to:
once again, another critical viewpoint of Twilight. The movies do not even cover an 1/8th of the emotional detail found in the literary series. You can question the movie like crazy, but you stupidly went without doing the research.

If you actually had read the novels, the movie would have made much more sense. If you were a teenage girl, you would understand their emotional adjustments to huge life changes.

You're kind of an asshole.

LOL, I've read the books (well, 1, 2 and a bit of 3... I just couldnt do it anymore!) and this is absolute dribble. Shes the worst author I've ever read, literally. I've read good romance novels and they are not. Please go read quality work, pretty much anything not on the teen section

sciencephile said...

Great pictures, they made the comments all the better!

TeflonScribe said...

LOL, The cartoon expression sitting in the theater during the brutal sex and aftermath scene, simply classic.

Neha said...

I love you for writing this.

Joanah Diala said...

This...is....EPIC!!!

Joanah Diala said...

This....is...AMAZING!!!

C0 said...

I came here from a fellow vampire writer's Twitter.

Anonymous said...

Meh. This is nothing that hasn't been said a million times before. Twilight sucks. If you keep harping on it, you're just giving it more attention than it deserves.

Anonymous said...

If reading a series of mediocre-at-best novels is a prerequisite for making what appears to be a shitty movie slightly less shitty, I believe the creators of said film have completely failed.

Anonymous said...

The people defending Twilight here desperately need to read a real book, by an author who actually has command of the English language.

It's a sad state indeed when so many in the public can believe an unedited, horribly written book is a work of literary genius.

Goodness help us all...

Randeep, thank you for this!

Belinda said...

you are FANTASTIC. where have you been all my life?!

Leaky Penny said...

Holy shit, this is glorious. My first born is going to be named after you, good sir.

MichelleM said...

It's time to put a stop to hipster faggotry: http://goo.gl/obiC

Anonymous said...

The author is mormon you idiot. That's why nothing happens before marriage. I think you're the last literate person to know this.

Big Country Little town said...

Dude isnt twilight bashing like so overdone? i mean yeah i hate the pile of excrement that twilight is as much as any intelligent being, but come on, this would be clever 4 years ago, now its just "well you finally got around to it eh?"

Thewissen said...

Loved it! You nailed it.

Adept said...

Twilight bashing isn't overdone so long as they keep making the big steaming piles.

Cmurp said...

"you're a never nude?"
"there are dozens of us Lindsey. Dozens!"

JackofallHearts said...

Oh yeah, because Indiana Jones is a good role model for women to base their impressions of men on... Did you not see Temple of Doom? Sexism ABOUND!
That being said, Twilight is terrible.

Anonymous said...

Lol Thank you friend. Great summary =P I can bring up the important parts of the movie w/ my twilight-fan friends WITHOUT having to sit through it!

Anonymous said...

I love a variety of the books. many of them are written by renowned writers. but I also love the twilight books. not because of the brilliant writing, I'd rather because for whatever reason stephanie meyer was able to write a book that many people connect to. I could relate too many aspects of the characters because I remember what it was like to be a teenager. and there are many moral elements I appreciate. fyi Bella was not physically abused intentionally it was accidental. I also happened to like the movies in general. no they're not masterpieces by any means, and the first was the worst, but for me personally, they generally cap sure how I saw the books. You don't have to like it, but just because you don't like something doesn't mean that you need to insult those that do. I am sure that there are many movies, books and other things that you and other people like that would make the rest of us dad and I think of you all of neanderthals, pigs, or jerks.

Anonymous said...

Nobody in the movie apologizes for being "abused". Don't comment if you haven't actually seen the movie.

Anonymous said...

Brutal sex... always good, right?

Anonymous said...

I love that the strongest defenders of Twilight can't even spell words like "capture" correctly.

GO TEAM BABY

Raymi Lauren said...

ok i am coming straight back here once i watch this one!!!

. said...

Well said.....TEAM BABY!

Amanda said...

This is one of the best Twilight reviews I have ever read

Anonymous said...

I watched the original Buffy movie last night.
As far as I could make out, she became a slayer because...

... An old man told her to.
But she said no.
So he told her to again.
And she said no.
And then he threw a knife at her face.
She caught it, but was understandably pissed that she'd had a knife thrown at her face, and said no again.
Then he annoyed her some more, and she punched him.

And because she punched so well, she became a slayer.

I'm still confused.

Uriel PĂ©rez said...

Please, somebody calls Blade! We need him to kill this stupids vampires.

bernadinus gita said...

For you guys twihard who are trying so hard to defends this abomination in any form, let just face the music... We are always making fun of this as long as they keep making it, because nothing more deserving for having a roasting session than this. You don't find jk rowling's harry potter getting roasted, or jane austen, or enyd bilton, agatha cristie, anne rice. They are all females authors/novelist if you notice, but they all brought some sort of quality writing, engaging stories, and on jane austen, female characters that full of personalities and abit ahead of it's time. Unfortunately Stephanie Meyers do not belongs to these groups. So, the harder you're trying to defends her novels as "masterpiece", the hardest we laughs more.
By the way, the way you twihards defend by insulting & calling names to this blogger, you guys really that intellect bunch aren't you.

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